I don’t get why we have to move and Stan can stay in the house. But he’s the one that owns it. My dad always gives my mom money each week. He’s in charge of everything because he owns everything and makes all the money. I’m nervous about switching schools again. I’m in fifth grade now and new schools are getting old.
Two weeks later, my mother and sister and I move out of our three- bedroom house and into a dingy two-bedroom apartment across town.
Our new apartment is actually kind of fun and I feel a lot better not living with my dad. I like being able to walk around with just underwear on if I want and I like relaxing in our living room.
My sister and I don’t visit Stan at our old house. He takes us to dinner or the movies every once in a while. My mother spends a lot of time by herself. I really want her to have friends and be happy. She isn’t as angry as she used to be, but she seems tired all the time. She drinks more vodka and orange juice in her room than she used to.
She got a job as a waitress at a nearby restaurant. Every day after school, I play outside with my imagination in the empty field across from our apartment. I pretend to be a caveman digging a new home. My dog is my wolf. I make paths to Egyptian ruins and secret worlds. Sometimes I find bones, cans, and plastic bags.
Then things begin to change. My dad drops by and comes into the apartment with his own key. I get scared every time I hear a noise near the door because it might be him. His visits annoy my mom.
“I’d really appreciate it if you’d tell us you’re coming by. I don’t like how you just waltz in here like you own the place,” my mom says. I know she is going to get hit. She knows she can’t talk like that to Stan but she does it anyway! My sister and I look up from the TV to see how my dad is going to take that. I’m scared he’s going to hit her so I look down at the carpet, bracing for what will come next.
When it’s over, I walk into the kitchen to see my mom standing in front of the kitchen cabinet, making my dad a peanut butter sandwich like he asked. “Are you okay?” I say, feeling dumb for not knowing what to do. I should have stopped this from happening. My sister is scared and holding back tears.
“I’m all right,” my mother answers. I can tell she’s pretty mad. I am afraid to walk out of the kitchen to face my dad, but I don’t want to stand around like an idiot annoying my mom.
Stan starts stopping by all the time. It is like a game. He likes annoying my mom when he surprises us.
As I’ve come to understand through my healing process, the first ten years of our life sets the foundation of what we believe about ourselves and our world. Some of the beliefs can be false (such as worthiness) and can cause us to live and act according to false beliefs, leaving us fearful, angry, disempowered, and overwhelmed.
I also found out that beliefs don’t have to be forever. We don’t have to be married to these feelings. I learned that beliefs are created by the thoughts that we keep thinking. I didn’t realize that I was walking around going about my day under the control of false beliefs about myself and the world. My subconscious beliefs guided my life choices and impacted my well being as a young adult, college student, professional work life, and as a mom. It turned out that the stress and overwhelm were undiagnosed ptsd, anxiety, and depression.
Here are some of the core beliefs about others and my world that I held at age 10 in my story:
◊ Adults are not safe, not a resource, and not supportive.
◊ Parents are not safe or a source of comfort or support.
◊ Police officers, teachers, and government officials are not a source of support.
◊ Others know more than me.
◊ The world is not safe.
I regret that I was not a more loving sister, but I understand that my heart was closed at the time. With the help of a good therapist, I was able to see that my sister’s care and her trauma weren’t my responsibility. It wasn’t until I did this deep, healing work on myself at 40 years old I was able to forgive myself and let go of self-hatred and the guilt over my choices and behavior toward my sister. I carried resentment, regret, bitterness, anger, and pure hatred toward my parents for decades. I hated myself, too, by association. I wasn’t aware that I had these emotions and unprocessed memories until I realized they were limiting me from giving and receiving love.
I am now 55 and okay. I’m actually more than okay. I’m thriving. I want you to know that you will too will be okay. Your children will be okay.
Through my healing journey, I created these new beliefs about myself. I want you to know that they are YOU as well:
◊ I am wanted.
◊ I am a divine child of God/Source.
◊ I am worthy.
◊ I matter.
◊I am important.
Krista Rosen is an intuitive practitioner, educator, and author. She lives in Portland, Oregon with her husband and little dog. Krista has studied spirituality and root cause solutions since 2004 and began her journey as a healing arts practitioner in 2012.
She spent most of her life struggling with undiagnosed anxiety, depression, and P.T.S.D. “I didn’t even know that how I felt wasn’t normal. I just thought I was a weak person that lacked coping skills. I went ahead with the script of life. I earned a college degree, worked in advertising, got married and had children.”
Upon discovering that her baby had multiple health conditions, Krista left the corporate world to search for healing solutions. Being faced with this insurmountable task really put her “over the edge.” Her anxiety hit the roof and stayed there. She was angry and triggered, which caused her to face old memories about being raised by parents with multiple disorders. She had to face numerous traumas that had been suppressed for years.
Today, she’s not only okay, but passionate about sharing what she has learned with you. “I am here to tell you that you can become your own doctor, therapist, and healer. We’re all born with this ability. We’ve forgotten how because our culture teaches us to rely on authority and our intellect while discounting our emotions and intuition.”
It is her hope is that her new self-help memoir BeliefWork, illuminates a path to freedom for you.
To learn more about Krista and her journey, go to https://www.paradigmrebels.com
Effective October 6, 2022, The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) and the National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline) have joined together. To learn more about this exciting venture, to expand the eco-system of holistic and inclusive support for survivors and advocates, please visit Project Opal.